Begin Day Number Two where Ainsley refuses to nap anywhere except in my arms. Actually, I should clarify, thats day two as in two-in-a-row. There have been many, many, many others. I was okay with it yesterday but today is my Shower Day (that is still only occurring every other day) and we are going out of town tomorrow so I need to get other things done. But this really has nothing to do with my most recent meltdown.
Whereas yesterday was an above average day (one which I told Tim (as I sit here and listen to the garbage truck wake up my daughter) (yeah, that's right, I'm using parentheses within parentheses) I wish was an average day - as in the norm), Tuesday was definitely a below average day. Ainsley woke at her usual 4am feeding, but I was unable to get her to go back to sleep until 6am. Then she stirred and grunted and woke up again. I scooped her back up, cursing under my breath because I just wanted more sleep, please. And I didn't want Tim to wake up because he had to get up in 30 minutes and aren't we all a little cranky when we don't get as much sleep as we wanted? He did wake, though, and offered to take her, but my stubbornness and desire to let him sleep took over and I walked out of the room to rock her in her room - she is still sleeping in the Pak 'n Play in our room.
Enter the Guilt. Why am I being so selfish? Why can't it just be okay that I need to rock her to sleep again after an hour and a half of rocking her previously? Oh, crappy feelings. She did go to sleep though. So I laid her down. And I lay down. And I began to cry. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
Being a Good Mother does not mean wanting time away to myself. Being a Good Mother means not minding that it's Tuesday and I haven't showered since Saturday. Being a Good Mother means not minding that I am going to spend the rest of the day rocking her to sleep only to have her scream and scream and scream because she's determined to kick the Sandman's ass.
Ainsley and I cried on each other's shoulder that day. What the hell did I get myself into? This poor girl deserves someone with more patience than I have to give. She does not deserve to be put in her bouncer with no pacifier because that will make her scream more and then she'll learn her lesson. Yeah, how do you like that? I don't have the throw your baby out the window thoughts. Mine are more of the mind game sort. Because, you know, at six weeks she'd totally get the moral of the story, right?
And the Guilt just grows. What kind of person have I become? Why do I seemingly have more patience for my cats than my own daughter (in hindsight, this is not necessarily true)? I should ask for help. But I don't want help. I want to be able to do this on my own. How weak am I that I cannot do this on my own? I am not fit to be raising a daughter. How can I teach her to be strong when I can't even be strong? On and on and on and on.
Tim finally calls - not that he hadn't several times that day, I'm sure knowing that things are not going well. But my stubborness refuses to talk to him about it. It's much more productive to be bitchy and sullen when he calls. Anyway, he finally calls at a time when I'm ready to talk. And the gates open; the the River Nile begins to flow. As usual, he is able to remove the uranium from the reactor core before the whole plant goes up in flames leaving death and destruction within a 100 mile radius (wow, that was an awful metaphor).
Point is that as with the first 156 meltdowns, he was able to calm me down and make me feel better. This is not the end of the world. I am being a good mother, I just need a well deserved break. It's okay to need a break. To be completely submerged in the care of another being with the communication skills of, well, a six week old is not an easy job.
I don't write this to prove that I am unstable, or to elicit help because I am too stubborn to ask for it (though that is completely true), or to use in a CPS case against me. But to say this isn't an easy thing. AT. ALL. There are some very rewarding smiles and giggles. And when she's finally asleep in my arms and everything is limp because she is so comfortable and secure. And when she just stares back at me trying to figure out who I am just as I wonder about her. But there are also some very dark times. I never wonder if it's worth it, just if I will survive it. And I will. I will survive.
6 comments:
Now where do I sign up for this motherhood thing?
In all seriousness, I think the thoughts you are having right now about being a new mom and not feeling like you're doing a good job are perfectly normal. I can't even begin to imagine what it'll be like to have a baby, so I can't speak from experience, but from what I've read here, there, everywhere, these feelings are normal and quite healthy.
Do you read Inevitably Keely? She just had a baby girl, too. I think Zoe is now 2 months old. I bet you two could commiserate with each other. Although, Zoe has been sleeping a lot lately, so maybe not!
Check her out: inevitablykeely.blogspot.com
Hang in there!
I'm trying to give you your space, but if you need a break you need only to ask. It doesn't make you a bad mother to need some time for yourself. Every new mother goes through this. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but at least let it take the guilt away.
Everything you just wrote? Perfectly normal!! You are doing a GREAT job, and it is TOTALLY ok to need a break every now and then! I'd be happy to help out if you need me - just let me know.
GIRL - I could have written this exact post some 8 years ago. Don't be like me - ask for some help. It doesn't mean you're weak or needy or a bad mom. It means you're human! I didn't ask for help and found myself in the pit of postpartum depression. Don't go there!!
You call me if you need to talk. I *am* a professional. (ahem) =)
713-417-0749
(((((((((((angelq))))))))))))
It's ok. It's perfectly ok to need help. In fact, it's almost REQUIRED. I am of the opinion that you are absolutely NOT supposed to do this by yourself. You need some mommy-time to yourself. I am sure you are used to just handling things yourself (as am I, and you proved it by not wanting to wake Tim and have him help....OH BOY have I been there and done that with Bubba). That is your personality, part of being a female engineer. But really, it's ok to need help, and I can help if you need me.
i am just so glad someone else felt this way. and hey, i did want to throw my kid out the window. now, i have a perfectly normal (talking back, whiny, entitled, grumpy, "you don't get my life") teenager. and you know what, each stage is fun in its own way, and challenging, too. just think... all the work you do now, earns you points to have amazing awesome grandkids later. and the right to leave your kids and go on deserved vacations alone with your hubby.
oh, and by the way... i'm coming over. wanna hug that ball of crying mess, soon.
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